Finally a light?

Realization and Betrayal

When I finally spoke with my family and friends, we realized that some things we’d been told didn’t align. Small discrepancies surfaced, then larger lies. It became clear there was a tendency for him to make others side with him, even in trivial matters, distracting from more important issues. Medical information that should have been shared became sidelined by his emphasizing how much effort he’d supposedly put into everything.

I began to see the relationship in a different light.

What I had once thought was dedication, I recognized as manipulation. He left me no space to make my own choices, running to someone else every time I expressed a need for time. This made me feel disposable and convinced me I had to push through my feelings to get myself together quickly to keep this “amazing” guy.

Attempting Closure

After this realization, I felt an overwhelming anger. I asked everyone not to mention him to me or me to him. But his nonchalance in the next days gnawed at me.

So I reached out, determined to share everything I’d come to understand. I also mentioned working on a website where I’d tell my story.

This changed everything very abruptly.

He apologized, finally admitting to lying and even acknowledged being a narcissist.

But it didn’t last long.

He said he felt isolated and destroyed.

While I’d felt isolated throughout our relationship, I didn’t want him to suffer similarly because of me. Despite everything, I offered my support. Within days, we drifted back together, meeting his family and discussing holidays together.

I was a bit shocked seeing how quickly he coulld move on, even though I had seen this behaviour so many times before.

A New Beginning and a Broken Promise

Then the website came up. I’d told him it was mainly for me, but I posted a book review on my account with a link to the site, which wasn’t directly about him. Still, it seemed too much for him.

I had to keep my commitment to myself, though, regardless of his intentions for getting back together. I couldn’t allow myself to be manipulated again; I didn’t want to sweep this under the rug and forget about it.

He began struggling with my story being public, arguing that I omitted aspects that would justify his actions. But I was committed to the relationship countless times over, regardless of those early mistakes, while enduring more severe betrayals. His accusation that I “hide behind the truth” made me realize he saw honesty as a manipulation, not a foundation.

I see honesty as an opportunity for open communication and mutual understanding. It gives you the chance to speak up, not just listen; it allows the other person to make their own choices and feel in control. That opportunity was taken from me many times. For him, though, it wasn’t manipulation – it was ‘protection.’ But was he protecting me or himself?

The Last Straw

When I left the country, he went with “Meduza girl,” despite knowing it would hurt me. He argued it was innocent, but the disregard felt like a breaking point. I realized I’d been fooling myself, reaching rock bottom over and over. I could never trust anyone again and I could not certainly live with this pain. I attempted to overdose again on tranquillisers, losing days in fragmented memories. And when I recovered, he wanted nothing to do with me.

I was crushed, having opened myself again to forgiveness, protection, and hope. Instead, he had shut the door and was acting as if I was insane and at fault again. Someone told me if everyone around me seems heartless, I might be the cause. Part of me wonders if I was difficult, if I should have just accepted his version of reality and be content with what he showed: a caring, loving and fun man.

Reflections on Moving Forward

He apologized, asked for support, introduced me to his family, and then ignored me and restarted dating Meduza Girl, all in less than a week.

I am frustrated by how he moved on, how he ignored the pain he caused. If I hurt someone, I would seek to make amends endlessly. For him, it’s different, but I can’t rationalize it; it feels inhumane.

It will take a long time to trust again. The light inside me feels dimmed. After finding out the truth, I felt unapologetically alive again, only to be hurt one final time. I needed to tell my story – these scars won’t fade quickly, but I hope they’ll eventually become just part of my history.