May 6, 2024
It hasn’t been long but he has already told her best friend that he has a new woman in her life.
He tells her she feels like he is cheating on M, but M’s best friend says that he deserves to be happy…
Classic narcissistic move. He waited a little bit before disclosing the information, so it isn’t obvious that there has been an overlap. He plays the victim, but he is looking for exaclty what he got, approval from others.
He also complains to M’s best friend that M has said that if he has another woman in his life, she doesn’t want to have him in her life. She prefers to have no contact.
He tells the best friend that he doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s fair.
M’s best friend says she has talked with M and “called her out on it”.
Is there anyone respecting M wishes and mental health? or even M’s boundaries? How can she put any if everyone has an opinion on them and they choose to walk all over them?!
If she knew of this messages at this time, things would be different. But she still has no idea that D has found a new supply. M has no idea that he even got her best friend’s blessing. M has no idea they teamed up against her wishes and boundaries.
She has no right to ask for anything. Others choose for her what is the right thing to do.
M is still confused on why skipping one evening at the club has resolved in D not wanting to discuss their relationship anymore. The U turn has been sudden. M believes that she has done something wrong, tries to explain to apologies. But D has moved on. This is what has changed. After chasing after her for 4 months… he has decided he wanted something else and never had the decency to say it.
He chose to play games. Keep both supplies at hand, in case he changed his mind.
May 10, 2024
M. isn’t doing well. D. keeps messaging her, sending her funny videos and music.
She is still confused about the sudden change. From begging her every day to get back together and talk and spending time together, to not caring about her.
Is her depression so bad? How can’t he see that he gave her no time to heal and just pushed her over and over to just go back to the happy place HE wanted.
Today she is feeling particularly down. She calls him to ask if they can talk. He is out with his friends (and his new girl, even though M. doesn’t realise this) so he is short tempered, he says that this person asking for his help is not the M he knows. “You’re not like this! Stop!”. He reaches out to her best friend saying he is being bothered. M sleeps at her friend’s.
May 13, 2024
After the celebration for his birthday, which her best friend attends, he stops by M.’s place again. He seems categoric. They are done. This time he doesn’t blame it on tomorrowland or her depression. He says it was that night in April when M’s favourite DJ played. He once again makes M feel like she has done something wrong.
His faults that led to him moving out of the flat have long been forgotten by him. He thinks lying to her for months isn’t as important as one evening where he wanted to celebrate an anniversary while M was still processing all of the hurt he had caused.
May 14, 2024
He stops again by her place after a night out with colleagues. Very present for someone who is done.
May 17, 2024
In the brief week in April when they were back together, they had bought tickets for another event, Bakermat. He is playing tonight. They go together. They do a back-to-back from there to Bob Sinclair, another event in a different club.
M. has been feeling better. She hopes he will also see again the woman he fell in love with. The M who loves to dance, love the music, the woman who doesn’t need any alcohol to enjoy an evening, she is always happy and “high on life”.
He seems to.
He spends the night with her.
May 18, 2024
In the morning they leave each other with a smile. M. is not sure what that night together meant. She is also still unaware that D. is going out with A. ever since Meduza.
They each leave the country – she heads to Italy, and he goes to Portugal.
When M. tries calling him the same evening, he avoids her, telling her to text instead.
They argue, and he tells her he hates her and might consider dating someone new if the opportunity arises. They eventually speak on the phone.
M. is completely confused. He seemed ok. Their goodbye in the morning before they parted was as usual. They have slept together, which means a great deal to M.
He seems to have forgotten completely.
He keeps bringing up old fights and the fact that she didn’t want to go to Tomorrowland.
She tries to explain again and again, apologisying but he doesn’t seem to understand or accept her words.
May 19, 2024
Heartbroken, M. struggles to get out of bed, but her friends encourage her to keep going. They are in Italy after all.
M. conteplates suicide once more, she wants to stay in their airbnb. She has no energy, no will. Just dread and pain. She needs all this pain to end… but gives in to her best friend’s request to join them for a cycle around Puglia.
May 22, 2024
Back home, M. is feeling a little better thanks to her friends.
When D. told her, he wants to date other people, that was a clear message. She needs to move on.
June 6, 2024
M.’s parents come to visit her in London.
They receive a message from D. saying he is sorry is isn’t in London to see them. M. finds it odd, as they haven’t spoke since Italy and she didn’t know he was talking to her parents. Her family also thinks it’s strange. M doesn’t want to think about it (although she thinks D is delusional if he thinks she will allow him to see her parents again after breaking up with her and treating her the way he did…).
M is committed to showing her parents aroung and enjoy London together. That’s the only thing she cares about at the moment.
June 17, 2024
D. is back in London and asks M. to talk, she agrees once more, though reluctantly. She doesn’t want to rekindle things, but he expresses a desire to try again, claiming he needs to see that she’s “learned from her mistakes.” She reminds him of his own – the Uber Girl and his ex (once again, she is unaware that there is a third girl as well).
He dismisses his mistakes, blaming her for their break up, he dismesse also their future, claiming he’s lost hope if she cannot see that he has learnt from his mistakes and she is not willing to change. She spends hours trying to make him reason, telling him her reasons for pushing him away in the past, trying to explain how hurt she was. He doesn’t want to hear it.
A Breaking Point
June 18, 2024
The next day he reveals he’s met someone else. What M. doesn’t know yet is that it’s Meduza Girl, whom he’s been seeing since they first met nearly two months ago.
Once again, M. is shattered. She has begged him not to tell her if he had met someone else, he has ignored it. And he keeps saying that M hasn’t understood how much she has hurt him (?).
M. hits a breaking point, she writes a goodbye note, start taking sleeping pills, as many as she can find, and she is cutting more than ever. The emotional toll is too great.
June 19, 2024
M. is still trying to take her own life.. she is unsure of how to achieve it, but she is determined to keep trying. She cuts again.
June 20, 2024
M. meets with a psychiatrist, but not much is decided.
June 21, 2024
M. had planned a trip with her friends over the weekend. She has many cuts on her arms, but she pushes herself to cover them up and go with her friends.
Meanwhile, he’s out at Koko with A., Meduza Girl, watching Agents of Time.
June 24, 2024
M. returns from her trip with her friends. She is feeling better, but she decides to take the week off to study for a certification and to take a break for her mental health.
June 26, 2024
After not speaking to her for a couple of weeks, D. stops by at M.’s flat unannounced.
June 29, 2024
D. stops again at her place. They have dinner, they watch a movie. Then he approaches her and they sleep together.
June 30, 2024
M. is confused. For the whole day she is very letargic. She cannot seem capable of processing what has happened in the last days…
July 1, 2024
D. was intived my M.’s best friend to watch the football match at her place. D. invites M. as well. He stops at M’s place first to have dinner with her, then they walk together to her best friend’s place. Her best friend is very happy to see her and also very surprised that she is showing up with D.
M. is wondering why she is hanging out with him so much… but doesn’t say anything.. after all she has stopped talking to her to as she seems to be very protective of D for some reason. She always defends him. So M. has stopped talking to her best friend almost altogether and definitely about problems that are linked to D.
July 4, 2024
D. asks M. to go to watch House of the Dragon at his place. She has plans with other people, but she does want to watch the show too. She is also not sure what he is after. They haven’t discussed anything after sleeping together but he clearly wants to spend time with her.
She says she could stop by his place after her event. She arrives at his place at 11 PM. They watch a couple of episodes of the tv show, then he tries to kiss her and then pushes for more… she stops him saying she doesn’t know what he wants and he needs to be sure before getting close again.
She leaves.
July 5, 2024
M. has to take another sick day at work, but she tries to do things to help her mental health recover faster. A run, some drumming. By the end of the day she is feeling a little better.
July 6, 2024
M. is going to watch the football game in a pub with friends. Some people have cancelled so she has invited D. to fill up the table.
After the game, he suggests going to dinner. They have a nice chat. He asks her to watch another eposide of the same tv show. They go back to her place. He tries to sleep with her once more.
She tries to resist, says no several times.
He keeps insisting.
She says she doesn’t want to be intimate again until he is sure about the way he feels for her and that he wants to be with her, especially in light of how he has left her so many times heartbroken after sleeping together.
He says he IS SURE and keeps insisting for more.
M resists still, she says she isn’t ready, but he keeps instisting for a long time.
She gives in.
July 8, 2024
M. asks D. to talk about what happened a couple of days earlier.
He has completely changed his mind, it seems. He says he is still in touch with A, Meduza Girl. M. is crashed. He also says he doesn’t want to stop talking to A. When M. tells him that only a couple of days before he said he was sure, he says “I understand now this is your boundary, I cannot be with her if I am with you”. M. is puzzled… She has said this many, MANY times before. Is this news to him? How short is his memory?
He dismisses every attempt of M to talk in a positive or constructive way.
He leaves saying “I cannot end things with her if I don’t know how she feels” speaking about A.
M. is once again at her last straw.
Why does it matter how A feels?? What about what he feels? about what he said 2 days before? That he was sure! He has been trying to sleep with her for weeks now! Why would he push and push if he doesn’t even want to be with her??
That night she takes all the sleeping pills she has in the house, hoping not to wake up.
July 9, 2024
M. wakes up. She is hurting still too much.
M is still determined to end her life, she feels like she doesn’t matter anyway. Invisible, disposable, completely irrelevant. Only a burden, an annoyance. Unloved, unlovable, missunderstood and unsupported by everyone.
She has renewed her suicide note, keeps taking sleeping pills and alcohol. She has prepared a plastic bag and tape.
She puts her head in the plastic bad. Her breathing is heavier. She needs to open her mouth to inhale. The black plastic back is inhaled and she feels it in her throat…
D. stops by her place. M lets him in.. but goes back to her dark bedroom. She knows his presence there won’t make a difference in the big picture.
He sees everything around her, but he doesn’t have the courage to call the ambulance, so pushes M. to do it…
She is again puzzled… She knows she want to end it. Why should she waste time speaking to people?
A rational part of her understands that this should be done, so she calls the crisis team.
July 10, 2024
M. is hospitalized for an overdose on tranquillisers. She stays at the hospital for several hours until the early hours of the 10th. He is with her. They both speak separately to a nurse. M. doesn’t like the nurse. The nurse laughs in her face several times when she tells her why she is suffering.
“And you think this is a good reason to end your life?”
He then speaks to D. He downplays the entire event by saying someone “likes him” and once again blames the situation on M’s insecurities. M cannot tollerate other women “liking him”.
He also states trust is the issue and recognises he is a trigger.
He also says they “could not be together anymore”.
M. is released. D walks her home. They don’t speak. He stays for the night and the next day works from her house, then he leaves after finishing work.
July 11, 2024
D. stops by in the evening at M’s place to discuss Tomorrowland, the famous fastival that is only days away. He doesn’t mention the hospital, the suicide, what he has told the nurse.
July 12, 2024
M’s best friends text her to tell her that they are looking for a dog for her to help out with her mental health. Apparently D. is behind it.
M refuses. Saying to D as well that it is not a good idea.
July 13, 2024
M. spends the evening with her best friend and D. They listen to music, talk about past trips M and her best friends have taken, and possible future trips. For the first time in a long time M. feels the love for D. without the pain. She is cosy next to him. For the first time she thinks her love is bigger than any lie he has ever told her. She cuddles up with him on her best friend’s couch, but sometimes she is afraid. She has no idea what all of this means.
He hasn’t said to her what he told to the NHS nurse, that he doesn’t want to get back together, but for that evening everything seems quiet and pleasant.
July 14, 2024
D. is working and connects to M’s Amazon Prime account without her knowledge. He has asked her before whether he can use it, she said NO!
He has decided to ignore it. Why shouldn’t he? And watches a tv show while at work.
M. and her friends want to watch the football game. They haven’t booked anything and all the pubs are packed. M. offers her house for a BBQ and invites everyone over, D. is there too.
He is familiar with her flat, he acts like he is the man of the house, managing the grill and taking the lead on everything.
July 15, 2024
D. asks M. again to watch House of the Dragon.
They do.
They talk.
He admits he hasn’t ended things with Meduza Girl.
She is away for a birthday holiday, she doesn’t want to upset her.
But he says he will talk to her. Once she is back and tell her that he wants to be with M.
July 16, 2024
D uses again M’s amazon prime profile to watch more tv shows without her knowledge. Despite already have been told she doesn’t want him to.
July 17, 2024
M. informs her manager that her mental health situation is not improving and is more serious than what she had initially realised.
July 18, 2024
M. is more and more aware that she needs to let D. go. As usual the way he acts when he is with her and the words and intentions he expressed doesn’t seem to be reflected once he is outside of her flat. She is conflicted by his behaviour.
July 20, 2024
D. is again at M’s place to discuss Tomorrowland and they have lunch together. No mention of any of the past events. M is not surprised. D has never explicitly said what he felt or what he wanted. Should she hope for the best and prepare for the worst?
She is so hurt. So many times she has let him in her house, in the life, in her bed, and he enters and leaves as he pleases.
Later that evening she notices on her Amazon Prime profile that a tv show she has never heard of is suggested in the “continue watching” section.
She confronts D and he admits. She also mentions angrily that he has asked her and she has already told him not to. He dismesses it with a joke, as usual.
She logs his account out of her profile.
July 21, 2024
D. needs M’s help to buy outfits for Tomorrowland.
They decide to look for them in Camden and spend the day together. She feels a bit more optimistic, he seems his old self towards her. They have dinner together. And a great day.
M is confused, but definitely more hopeful.
In Her Space, Without Her Consent
July 23, 2024
D’s brother T. is in town with another friend. They are also going to Tomorrowland. D. decides he will sleep at M’s so his brother can sleep with his friend in his apartment.
M. is never asked if she’s okay with this arrangement and feels unsure of her role – is she a friend, an acquaintance, or something else?
In the next days T. is always at M’s place as well. She cooks for them.
July 25, 2024
They go to Tomorrowland. D. insists that they follow each other again on socials. It doesn’t take long for M. who was the girl D. was going out with. She notices he has been liking everyone of her pictures since Meduza night. And the last pictures from her birthday trip also have his likes… He is acting like her biggest fan.. exactly like he was doing for M in the beginning..
But the most recent like opens questions.. He is still talking to her.. Are they still together? Is he lying again? Was he just using her to have a place to sleep in while his brother was around?
July 26, 2024
M. cannot get out of bed. As usual D. calls her best friend instead of talking to M. alone.. it’s easier this way for him to tell only as much as he feels necessary.
M is contemplating suicide in the middle of the festival.. She is tired..
She pushes herself evenutally and goes to the festival. During one of the main sets though she has a panic attack and has to leave.
July 27, 2024
She’s unable to muster the strength to return to the festival once again, but he pushes her to try.
She sleeps longer than usual, but she eventually gets up. D. is upset that they arrived late to the festival once again. M. tries to remind him that it is difficult for her…
Seeking Clarity
July 29, 2024
Once back in London, M. confronts D., questioning his behavior. He seems to have slipped back into a boyfriend role, though M. is still uncertain. She needs clarity about Meduza Girl and their current status.
He assures her they only went out a couple of times, claiming nothing ever happened. He conveniently leaves out that they met at Meduza and that they had a date set even before he and M. had broken up. Also he hides that they had been seeing each other ever since.
His brother is still around, so they all have dinner together at M’s.
July 30, 2024
M starts taking antidepressants.
July 31, 2024
D. leaves the country.
When he leaves the country again, M. is left grappling with everything that’s happened. She begins doubting everyone around her, even her friends, feeling as though they’re also disrespecting and lying to her. Her trauma deepens, and she starts seeing threats everywhere, even when they aren’t there.
August 1, 2024
M. is struggling to work. She decides to take some holidays.
August 15, 2024
M. leaves for a solo trip to Portugal. After a few days of residual emotional distress, she rediscovers the woman that she know she is. She is sociable, happy, active (not as much as before but much better than when in London), she has interesting thought! she has interesting conversations and rediscovers also how much people like her company and talking to her.